My doctor says I only have one diabete.
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me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
It do be feeling this way.
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.