Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
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if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
went to this place once that claims it’s a brewery that doesn’t brew any of the beer it serves and the bartender was like “yep we are the first of our kind” & i didn’t have the heart to tell him that he opened up a bar, that’s a bar, bro
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood