Are you a cat person or a person person?
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I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby