Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
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Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
they should invent a rest for the wicked