3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
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All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
Inside you there are two wolves
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair