Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
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I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
They’re really bad with fonts.
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?