Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
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the icebreaker
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…