Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
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First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts