My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
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It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
Yes, but it was never about money
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.