My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
You Might Also Like
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
Hot hot hot 🥵
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period