i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
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Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Now, where’s the sport in that?
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.