If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
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@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
Ever have an itch you just can’t seem to scratch? That’s a past life itch…probably cuz you were a donkey
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17