Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
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Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.