I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
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At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
reminder
Selfie