You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
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“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.