Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
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I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.