My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
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OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
I received a bank alert text for suspicious activity. I was buying fruit.
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.