Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
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I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
So this one time, a friend asked me to PLEASE read a book so we could talk about it.
I read it… and I was like, um… I didn’t really like it…
Her: *happily* I know, right? Neither did I!
And I think this is my villain origin story.
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
I think my mom just blocked me
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you