If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
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me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
Black Friday “markdowns” like
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean