Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
You Might Also Like
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
I feel it
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]