thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
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Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.