the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
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My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
Billy Joel is wearing damp clothes because he didn’t start the dryer
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
My good tweets are in my other pants.
pizza