Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
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I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
#DesignFail
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
when u come home smelling like another dog
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
Wife: “There’s this new show on Max, or Apple, or Prime. I can’t remember, but we should watch it.”
Me: “What’s it called?”W: “ummmm”
Me: “What’s it about?”
W: “I don’t remember, but it looked like something I would like.”
(by @ZachWeiner )
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.