Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
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On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
My 4yo niece: do you have a girlfriend?
Me: no
Niece: a boyfriend?
Me: no
[pause]Niece: do you have a friend?
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”