So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
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Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
I might carry a baby with one hand.
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
Not to be too edgy, but chocolate is now on average slightly too salty! It’s a nice change of pace, but not all candy needs to be seasoned like french fries!
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*