-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
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[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
From Facebook just now…
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
I took some free community martial arts lessons for self-defense, but I’m starting to think Tai Chi is too slow for most muggers.
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.