I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
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TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’