*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
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*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
do horses think humans are hats
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans