SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
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People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked