Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
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You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*