My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
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I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
And that about sums it up.
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.