Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
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Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
“There’s no butter left”
“I don’t understand”
“I turned it into ghee”
“OK, thanks for clarifying”
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?