I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
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#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
they should invent a hydrating liquor
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.