My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
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*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
No, I don’t think I will.
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
The morning after pill, but for tweets
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
Geez man, take it easy.
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.