80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
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hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
😎 🍻
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
it was love at first sight