Doctor’s office: We need to reschedule your June 10 physical, next available is July 20th.
Me: Sorry, I will be out of town
Office: (irritated) Well, are there any days you ARE available?
Me: I’m free June 10.
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Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.