Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
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[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.