[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
You Might Also Like
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.