Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
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Dyslexics are teople poo!
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
Word!
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.