You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
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I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
I wish I could veto my bills.
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
🌱🌱🌱
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days