Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
You Might Also Like
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.