Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
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Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.