me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
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In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.