Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
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Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
Think I pulled my liver
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
12653.
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
Brother?
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.