Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
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[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
I would move hell over six inches for you
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
Foo fighters still fighting foo.