Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
You Might Also Like
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first