[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
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Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
Cinematography is my passion
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.