[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
You Might Also Like
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up