[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
You Might Also Like
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.