I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
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My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
“What do we want?”
“Autocorrect to stop making us look stupid by changing simple words in our texts.”
“When do we want it?”
“Not!”
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.